Always seeking

Is it just me who has a very hard time getting my mother to understand all that i do? Or am i just a rotten egg in a basket full of freshly caught fish?
For the longest time my mother and I have not seen eye to eye on anything ranging from how i dress, who i fuck and most recently my ability to walk away from the bad things in my life and expect her to by some miraculous forces know whats bothering me. Its not that that is necessarily what i do, its just that to her its the only thing i do very well. It doesnt help that every time we try to talk about it it turns into an argument about me not knowing what is best for me. Is there a time when i ever will know what is good for me?
I havent gotten an opportunity to explain to her why i left without any good byes or explanations, and it doesnt help that she doesnt want to hear it. Am beginning to think that i will have more luck putting it here and hoping she finally gets around to discovering i have a blog and maybe by some strange power from above she will read it. She doesnt want to listen, she constantly makes it a bone of contention between us that i should listen and not speak even when spoken to and learn that a child has no right to speak of adult things in her presence. The weird thing is that this only applies to matters that affect my lifestyle and generally my psychological well being. But when it comes to helping out in the family, am suddenly an adult and should thrive to establish that right and embrace it. Its like telling me am good for nothing till i have to do something for her and the underlying connotation is atleast i am good for something. This is why we seem to make no progress. Is it this hard for every one or is it just me?
I remember a time when she would tell me how much she hates me and i would try to prove she loves me yet now it feels the complete opposite. She says she loves me but i can see and feel the underlying hatred, her words are just words and they sting in places i didnt think could sting and i try to prove that she hates me and in turn every time she does prove it, i cant believe it and again i try just to be proven right all over again. This is a very pointless and bountyless relationship we have here. Destructive in all the ways that it should be constructive. This is why am always seeking. The question is, what am i seeking for? and will i know it when i find it?