Without mincing my words

Without mincing my words

Am angry, so very angry at the world and those in it that I feel my judgment is clouded by the anger that I feel… It has been a long time since I was this angry and self destructive. I want to blame my anger on the small things like the fact that he makes this a secret (much as I like the secrecy, it drives me nuts when am mad) or the intrusion I feel when I consider the women who have made me feel like am worth nothing in front of her but she does not budge (this on good days I blame on the slavery I delivered myself into without anyone’s help). But I know these are just the seeds am sowing now. She is just but a face that I can put to my anger yet you remain an emotion that is triggered by the smallest of things. It’s not her or them am mad at, but me. That you made me so helpless I can’t dare to speak up for me. That you made me reliable on people who could never protect me or even understand the dynamics of the protection I need. That I let myself get so caught up in what you did I forgot you were not the first or likely to be the last, just one of the more painful ones. Am angry because I let you ruin me all the while cowering like a child huddled by the wall in a fetal position protecting my face from the worst of the blows exposing my back to your kicks, letting the numbness that came with the pain consume me. I let you; will I persist in letting you?

I have smiled too long at the things that make me cry alone in my bed on lonely nights or in the shower after a romp that supposedly blew my mind. I have laughed way too long and if I let the anger fester inside me any longer I know I will blow up. So this is me saying it as it is, in words of my own choosing and expecting nothing from anyone, most especially not sympathy or a belief that they feel where I am coming from because I don’t think anyone does.

The world sees my laughter and smiles yet forgets to acknowledge the tears I shed in secret that society has taught me should be shed in hiding because emotions of disgrace, sorrow, shame and pain are not something to be shared. But now am done hiding my tears, sorrows and shame in my covers, in the blanket of darkness that comes with night or in the shower as the water runs down my face. For the first time in a very long time, I want the world to know am angry. It feels good to roll the word around in my mouth, to savor its tangy flavor and the sting of the words behind it. It tastes better than happiness has in a long time.

They say nobody in the world dies a virgin because the world fucks you anyway. This is my fuck you right back to the people in the world that have hurt, taunted, torn chunks of my emotions out of me and thrown them to the dogs, the ones who have chosen to make my life difficult in one way or another and those that have taken advantage of my goodness, kindness, innocence and naivety. You, yes you, the one that chose to take me on a ride in an emotional rollercoaster knowing where I stand yet still sitting through the ride like you have no idea what you are doing is wrong. It is okay that you don’t care about me, but that your humanity has been so reduced that you think my lessons in life should come from you, is not okay. Hate is a strong word, not used without surety and lots of thought given. I do not use this word as an insult, but mostly as a compliment. I hate you for what you did to me and what you make me see in the mirror when I look at it.

I have never been vindictive; I could hatch the best laid plans but never execute them. But you have brought out the animal inside me that wants to destroy everything in my path. Because of you, my ability to forgive has gone down to an all time low. Because of you I have now become the one I wish to destroy the most. Because of you now and then I think am ready to leave this world. I seek not greener pastures, but just my due justice against you just as that against me shall come forth and consume me. I hate you enough to kill you, but still can’t bring myself to do it. I will sit in the dark as usual just as I am doing right this minute as I write this and wish you dead and buried but still do nothing against you. Yet those that came after you destroyed me will face the wrath of my hatred for you. I watch myself manipulate and destroy them one by one and with each one that goes down, a part of me goes down with them but still my hatred will persist.

You made me a shadow of the woman I was before, my confidence ebbed away with every spare minute spent dwelling on the emotional and psychological scars you left behind. I have tried to let it go but I can’t, watching myself lowering me to the level of a common whore to feel less tainted by the touch you left on me. Your spirit haunts me, the demons in me cry for release. You left them here yet you do not claim them. A mere common slave girl, driven by no greater desire than to survive from one day to the next. A body that I no longer know what to do with, a misplaced and displaced sense of pride that leads me astray more than it guides me home. I want the woman I knew back but I hardly remember her in entirety before the images of you cloud my memory. You destroyed her and I regret to say that I let you. But this is the end of that road, no more stolen memories, no more white lies to smooth over the skin, like a rat that nibbles on human flesh and blows gently; you have taken over what WAS my life. But today…

Today I am telling you no more. I refuse to be a slave to your demons. I refuse to let you rule me. Am now angry enough to do something and the first thing I want to do is tell you Fuck You for the lies, the threats, the manipulation and the pain you brought into my life. This goes for you and all those that have come after you, whether or not they knew my pain, whether or not they understood what I was/am going through, any of them that took it all and gave nothing back, the ones I kept giving and they kept taking without a second thought to how they would feel in my shoes, the ones who felt I had nothing to give even after I gave them all I had, the ones who chose to disregard the value of what little I had left after you took all else away, the ones that like you chose to step all over me and declare themselves kings and queens. Yesterday you won the battle but today I win the war.

If ever there is a time for hatred to become something positive, this is it. Sometimes I find myself asking the image in the mirror if she could trade places with me, but the thousand faces she shows me tell me she is not a safer but a stranger bet. Did you know that I went into slavery because you made me doubt myself as a master? Some would argue that had I found better masters I would have made a good slave and been content but I could argue and say that had I been a better slave, my days would have been numbered. I remember vividly a sermon I heard once, that a woman’s place is at her husband’s feet. Was that the lesson you tried to teach??? Do my pleas and tears haunt you? Did my submission to your will shake you or make you feel empowered? For months I have been thinking I have been asking all the wrong questions expecting answers to them yet now I realize that I asked all the right questions just of the wrong people. You created the mess that is right now and you are in no place to sort it (not that I would ever take your help) but it pains me to know that all others who could, have only taken what you made and presented an image of organized chaos all the while leaving the ground much more disturbed. This is not a war of guns and arrows, but a war of emotions and thoughts and you my ‘friends’ lost the war even before it started. Next time you kick a man in the dirt, make sure you kill him, its not a very pretty sight when he comes to collect his dues, after all, one only gets as good as they give. Consider this a heads up, you and all others that came after you, I am coming to collect what is rightfully mine. Do not be fooled by the smiles, the jokes and the soliloquies, this is not a bark, just a howl carried by the winds of time to reach your ears much too late.