The greatest
change so far has to be that I had a BABY! A beautiful bundle of joy that makes
my heart constrict and my lips explode into a smile every time I think of her.
She is truly the apple of my eye and I would move the solar system if she
needed me to.
Changes…yeah,
great changes. I was in an amazing relationship for about 20months with a great
man who I thought understood me fully and I was in the best of places in my
life. He knew all about my past and was okay with whom I was and who I was
trying to be. Sadly, that came to tragic a end and am sort of on the rebound. I
use sort of because I can’t truly say that it is a rebound, am doing really
well, maybe because for the first time in my adult life I have left a relationship
with my heart intact and my eyes wide open. This is what all breakups should be
like. Am ready to take my time and incorporate my baby in my choices. I had so
many concerns before I left him, I do not want my daughter to not know her
father and knowing the kind of man he is, he will not let that happen (I hope
he does not for both their sakes). I was worried he would not understand my
choice to leave and regain my own power over my life. He’s taking it better
than expected and is being a trooper. Even when I act like a bitch, (some things
never change) he takes it in stride and brushes it off. He could be emotional
and that would remind me so much of myself in my formative years in situations
where I did not feel loved, cherished or appreciated. This is probably why I
made this very hard decision. I was not sure I wanted to be in a relationship with
someone just because we have a child together. We love her to bits but we had
lives before she was born and now that she is about to turn a year, I thought
it was time I went back to my spacious cocoon and continued to find myself. However,
so far so good. I am in a good and happy place. He is still my best friend (no,
he is not replacing anyone) and he makes my day better when it is bad and great
when it is good. I love him, but am not in the market for a man. I think 20
months with one has shown me that a leopard never changes its spots; it just
finds better grounds to camouflage. I have tried to verbalize in my mind all
the questions that people could ask me, like why did I have a baby with him. In
addition, I find that when I try to answer, it comes out all wrong (he asked
this question too when I ended it) but here is the best I can do in terms of an
explanation. I met this man when I was trying to get over a woman who I had but
did not truly have. I wanted her to own me but she was too comfortable in her
lifestyle and I did not want to put into words all the things that were going
through my mind. I used him in the beginning and was really enjoying myself but
I thought it best not to take things too far before I was sure I still did not want
to moon over the woman I wanted. I got an opportunity to test myself and when I
was done, I knew for sure, there was no hope for a future with her. I then
embarked on a freedom spree with him, which led to my pregnancy. I was not ready
to get an abortion especially after how bad I wanted a baby two years earlier. I
chose to have this baby and to be real; it is my proudest choice so far. When I
held her in my arms, I thought I would die from joy. God has been good to us.
About singlehood…where
should I start? It has been a ride to say the least. Everything seems to be
under a different light. The glow of being alone is strange. I hold my breath
sometimes when I feel like I should run back into his arms just to not be
alone. Then I remember that I need to make it on my own. If my daughter is ever
to see me as a woman in my own right, she needs to see that I did all I could
to make myself happy. In my happiness is her happiness. A happy home is only as
happy as the people inside it. Am I searching? Perhaps that is not the
appropriate term, am more of browsing. I now know what I want and so far, I am
yet to find it. Beauty is not all it’s about. I have met a couple of women I
have interest in, just not sure what kind of investment am willing to make in
them. I want to have mind-blowing orgasms and fantasies that will leave me
panting from a woman. Just good sex for the time being, after all the
relationships I have been in, I think its time for a serious break. The only
relationship I want is with my daughter.
As far as
updates go, that is about as much as I am actually willing to disclose of the
months I have been in hibernation.
More recently
though, I had a one night stand that was really something else. Maybe the
person who contributed to it happening was my main agenda but I was not
disappointed with what I got. How badly I want to go into details…but this all 
I can’t promise the next post will be the same
but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.
See you soon meus
queridos. It feels GREAT to be BACK!
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