crazy talk

I have had a whole week to moon and i gave myself that but i realise i have to let go of some things if i ever want to feel the warmth of the sun in my heart.You have to learn how to die so that you can earn how to live...didnt make much sense till i had to sit and say some things out loud with emotions and facing what i truly felt.People keep saying "move on",... like its something so easy to do."Let go",...like i havent tried...If it was that easy to let go and move on,all widows and widowers would be throwing parties...you might say that death is different,well what about all divorcees?Can a loss be called anything other than a loss?Does it matter if the loss is by death or other means?does loss by death weigh more on the heart?
How do i feel?someone is always asking that question...when you ask that question,are you just being polite or do you really want to know the true answer?Can you really handle the truthful answer to that question?
What do i think?Thats not really what you want to ask,what you should ask is what do i think after i sensor the truth...
Its taken me so long to figure out that i have been lying all my life without ever really thinking about it and so has everybody else.If we cant be honest about the most straight forward things,how can we be honest about the big things???
So am going to answer some questions that have been asked in the last couple of months as honestly as i can,but you will have to figure out the questions....
Am listening to john mayer as i write this so bear with me...
I start everyday the same way,i lie in bed for an hour or 2 depending on how early i awake,sometimes its 3 or 4 hours and in that time lying in the semi darkness,i have so much i want to say to myself but my thoughts are never complete.Sometimes i dont want to close my eyes in the dark and all i want to do is scream for hep.i dont know what i want to be saved from and sometimes i think its myself am scared of.Am the only one that can tear me to pieces and leave me to die and keeping things bottled up hasnt helped much.Sometimes when i sit down to write i get scared that i will say something that shouldnt be said and i will owe someone an expanation but i realize i dont owe anyone an explanation.These are the things i keep saying to people but i have never really taken them into thought.

I lost D way too long ago and didnt even want to accept it.I lost this woman before i even married her and all this time i have been holding to a shell of what used to be trying to convince myself that in not letting go i was doing what was best for me.But now,in letting myself feel all those heartbreaks,i have managed to salvage enough of me to love again...someday!
Lately i have been feeling so sorry for myself after i lost my baby...she was my last source of hope to live but since i lost her and started talking about how i truly feel about all the chances and choices i have made in my life,i realise all i need is me.I sound crazy dont i?i sound all hot and cold at the same time but thhats exactly whhat am trying to say,everyone is hhot and cold at the same time when they have so much going on in their lives at the same time.
Am making progress right?so read between the lines and answer yourself.