Honesty...

I have been trying to write this post for the last couple of weeks and everytime i open it to edit,i delete everything and start again but here it goes i guess...
The 18th of every month since last year May has been a tricky day for me...I got married on the 18th and about 3 months ago when i should have been celebrating a year of marriage,i finally let go of those dreams and started to deal with it like it was a cursed day.But last month,on the 18th (purely a coincidence) i commited to 'Joy' and that month,i didnt even acknowledge the date.Now this month,a week before the date,it dawned on me and i feel really emotional about tomorrow.Am in this zone in my head that has no way out or even in and i have to figure a way to shake off this feeling.I like Joy alot and i have told her i love her severally and i do (i dont doubt that i love her) and things have been going fine until now when am acknowledging that its been a month of us being together.I want to make this day memorable (atleast one part of me does) yet i still want to get into a bus and go to Kampala and rediscover myself (thats what i did last year at a time like this.Kampala is where i found that i could live without D and still smile and feel good about myself).Does me wanting to go to Kampala make me a bad person? Its not just going to Kampala that has me in fits,i want to go to coast this weekend and if am true to myself,i want to see D but not to declare my undying love,but because she was a friend before all else and much as i want to hate her,i cant.There are still those things that i can talk to only her about.She knows alot more about me than some friends i have had all my life.Plus i think it sank in last night when i was stoned that one of the reasons why we had issues is because she asked me to quit weed but i wouldn't even consider it (i dont think love is about making demands).Not that am looking for a way to get her back or even figure out what happened,but in the spirit of honesty,i guess it felt good to acknowledge one of my faults.
Now in the spirit of honesty,i think alot has happened in the last couple of weeks that has had me in a tight spot.I have been going out and i met alot of people of great interest but the most scary is this guy who talks to me about everything and we get along.He asks such straight forward questions and am forced to be honest in response so am avoiding him or atleast am trying to.
The other strange thing that happened is one of my neighbours found me outside our house smoking and asked me if i was gay (am sure he meant lesbian) and he was moving towards me with this really scary look in his eyes(still trying to figure out if my stoned state just made me paranoid) and i started moving away from him,ran into my house and locked myself in with my heart beating like i had been running a marathon.Do you think i over reacted and made an assumption that he had ill intentions against me? Or maybe i just need to stop getting stoned and hope it was the weed talking.Not that i dont tell everyone who asks that am a lesbian,but he is the first person who asked and freaked me out....
Then i had a situation with Joy that had me worked up enough to throw a fit but i think it was a hormonal fit that came with my periods.But since then,i have had this nagging feeling that something is not right somewhere only i cant place my finger on it.and am scared of that feeling because i remember once upon a time when i had it,i went out and did something really daft and i lost something very valuable so maybe i need to check myself into an institution for a couplke of weeks till i work out whats going on in my head and figure how to deal with things like the adult am not...
And in a last attempt to be honest,i want to tell my girlfriend who am sure will read this post that no matter the doubts and shadows from the past that haunt us,she is really all i want and need to make tomorrow and everyday after that a happily ever after story!