Girls Night out...

Hoping you had an awesome weekend...Mine was great minus the minor incidences here and there...
On Saturday (all kenyans know we had Safaricom Sevens at Nyayo) i was working (just like most other saturdays)and i left work at about 8.30pm.BB, Bella and I had made plans to go to carnivore and have a blast watching Teddy bear mixing and Konshens performing (i had no clue who the hell Konshens was till that day,but i was not going to pass up an opportunity to go out).So after work,BB and I went to south b to pick up Bella and get all dolled up to go out...Dolled out we were,i must admit we raised more eyes than was necessary but walking into VIP (u know how we roll),i almost took off when i saw a camera in my face (crossing my fingers).I hate cameras thats why i dont have videos of me and i dont do photos because i dont like looking at them (except when i have to show people am fine and well and am still...pretty).We made an unexpected friend that night who joined us (a man for sure) and we will refer to him as lights ( maybe one day i can explain why thats his name).To be honest,around him i had this urge to scream and throw a tantrum and my heart had this wierd tug and beat that was driving me nuts.So i did what i do best,i sat and got myself tipsy enough to keep a smile on my face and it worked really well till we went to his house and i couldnt sleep.I think am very paranoid and i cant shake off negative things that bother me but i really tried.He is alot like me (we think alike and stuff and i can actually have an intelligent conversation with him,i would even like him under different circumstances)and charmed the boots off of BB...he was introduced to us by Bella so he has charmed Bella too,which takes alot so i have to give him credit for that,i just cant seem to trust him where my two favorite girls are concerned...Maybe am jealous when it comes to Bella (just a thought though...another might be insecurity)but i cant explain why i dont trust him with BB.Anyway,back to the night at hand,we danced,got to watch Hawk dancing for Konshens (that choreography was so done by Hawk herself) and got drunk (but not too drunk to walk around and maintain a level of self respect).I got to talk to Teddy bear and he told me about all the insecurity issues that BB has been having and how he is so tired of reassuring her and defending himself (i dont understand why anyone would get tired of reassuring the person they are dating that they are still fine) so i told him to give her an ultimatum and i told her what the ultimatum was.And right there i got thinking of my past relationships and how insecure i am/was and how it would affect/had affected my life.I remember a time when i would tell D all the insecurities i had then and she would throw them back in my face just for me to later find out that they all were true and how currently i love Bella (there,i said it and i am not taking back)and i have all these fears about her.Am not sure what is worse,thinking she is taking me for a ride or realising that the whole time i was faithful she wasnt.I have weighed both options,gotten to the point of reading erotic stories of couples where one lets the other sleep around to try and see if i liked the idea,av watched some of those porn clips to get a feel of it and all it did was disgust me.So clearly sharing is out of the question,so what about being taken for a ride i asked myself and i told myself/am still telling myself that nothing lasts forever (yet i still believe that love is forever after)and if ends,it ends.But i have to admit nothing is that easy,then again,its never that serious.I considered how damaged one can get from their past,but is that really a valid excuse to not trust anyone else in your life?I thought everyone should get a chance to prove themselves.One cant pay for anothers sins,should they?So am going to let Bella prove herself.Time is of the essence and its not fair to waste 2 years of your life with someone who will walk out,then again,if it takes that long to see the truth,you should be grateful that you still have the rest of your life to find what you are looking for.Now,after digressing,i can take a step back and go back to BB and teddy bear.I think she doesnt trust him because she is scared of herself.She is so scared he is doing it and convincing herself that he is thus,going a step further and doing exactly what she thinks he is doing.(life is so fucked up if you think about it but how do you avoid thinking about it?)BB reminds me of someone i was once in a relationship with,i would get so upset about their boss and i didntthats where am at this week,not dealing with my fears,basking in the glow of love that has no limits and flaws that cant be corrected by a doctor of any kind.(i think i need to stay away from Adele this week for the sake of my sanity)...Back to the weekend,we spent all of Sunday in Lights's house (why i dont just go home to my mother and lie in bed with her and cry myself to sleep i dont know)and went home in the evening.I got to spend time with Bella finally after a whole week of not seeing her and a weekend with people around.I like it when i spend time with her.Sometimes she talks and i dont hear a thing she has said coz am looking at her and wondering if God has finally answered my prayer but a time when am not strong enough to accept it and let live.All i know is that she is a breath of fresh air and a blessing that i hadnt banked on.She will be worth it all and alot more!
I forgot to mention that konshens is boring and boring and oh...sooooo boring!!!Sepetuka was cool,he just had the most boring performance.And what was with the bouncer on stage???Congrats Hawk on a good job,thank u BB for the great weekend and keeping me in line without knowing it.And Bella,thank u babe for another weekend to remind me why i couldnt walk away then and i aint doing it now!