An open book...

Everytime i see an open book,i always try and skim through the page,tells me if i would like to read it or not...and humans tend to be like that too.If in a person i find something that picks my interest,i make a point of getting to know them abit more,who knows,it might turn out to be a book worth all my attention.
Problem is,am not an open book.I tend to have alot that can be read by the public,mostly negative things to help make sure your only in my life out of merit.I am so many characters in one main character,it just depends on which one you meet and on what day...So am here to give you a chapter on the very insecure Catty,who has no idea half the time what she is actually doing,but hopes that it works in her favor as she goes around making sure it doesnt...
I have a major problem with trust,commitment and thinking...I have a problem trusting people because well,to be honest,everyone i have eve trusted at one point or another had killed that trust.But thats not the only reason,the other is because i dont entirely trust myself,the choices i make,the paths i take and the many stupid things i do over and over again have proven to me that am not to be trusted with life changing things in my life.i need to take a back seat and just find someone who can take care of those aspects of my life,then again,considering i dont trust people that much,is that really an option???
Commitment...well,thats a tricky one.I believe in forever after,love forever after and maybe friendship forever after,but i find it so hard to believe that anyone would find me good enough to be in their life forever.I dont think am good enough to be in my life forever so how do i not expect others to feel the same???As for thinking,clearly take note that all the above negativity stems in my head and not anywhere else...So maybe this is just an inkling as to what goes on in my head,maybe i should take myself to an institution???
Anyway,the reason for writing all this crap down is well,i have been harboring alot of negativity in me,pertaining to my previous life (i call it previous because am not so sure anymore that it didnt just exist in my head).And i hadnt till last weekend or rather,till Sunday night ,figured out why am having such a hard time living by a simple principle as 'live and let live' .I realised after some serious soul searching,am not really scared of being cheated on,that i have proven time and again that i can take and pretend not to see (damaging in all aspects true,but a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do).I just have major issues in trusting that i can ever be enough.Now,if you dont think you can be enough,you tend to come up with the simple logic, 'if i dont believe it,who does???'.So here i am admitting to my biggest weakness all because i didnt want to say it out loud.Now to just hope that this post is invisible to everyone but me,who will never read it after writing it...
To be honest,am working on it,am getting help even if am not sure how exactly what am doing is getting help,so far so good,am not looking to believe that the sun rises and sets in my smile (that would have to be Bella's smile),but i know that so far i have found that am the only one who can reassure me that am all that matters and am more than enough for me,the world and all in it!too bad am not just another open book.