Let me start by thanking the amazing women who managed to keep me drunk and stoned for 9days,you guys gave me a dose of something i needed badly.Yes i did not tell you but alot has been going on in my life but i was not ready to talk about it all.All in all ladies,you ROCK!!!!!And hanging with you all was mad FUN!!!!
Back to the topic at hand,some really sad things happen in life and we take them in stride but sometimes there are those we just cant take in stride and we are stuck in that zone in our lives where nothing seems to make sense or even a semblance of comprehension.Those are the times you need a slap that will bring you back to reality...well,i think i got mine yesterday...I noticed a very sad and bad trend in my life,its the every 3yrs trend.Every 3yrs i get seriously tired of life and i tend to do shit that will scar me and take me down into the gutters.If i remember correctly at 13 is when i lost my grandmother and i took a left turn in my life that almost killed me (this is around the time when i thought i could replace my grandmothers love with sex and excess friends and company,so i got groupies to surround me and worship me, wasting money that i have no idea where it was coming from).That took me so long to get out of and the only reason i got out of it is i adopted a chic i thought needed more help than i did and she saved me (i mean literally).Then at 16 when my teacher literally fucked up my high school life i went and discovered alcohol (does anyone know of an AA in Kenya?) and that took the saving graces of my mother almost disowning me and throwing me out.And came 19 that really almost made me lose my mind with all the kush i was smoking (not forgetting i left home and stayed away from my family for months on end)...now 19 would have killed me,i thought i was in love and took everything like gospel truth and it didnt take long to realize i was fucked and i had to get off my ass before i found myself 6ft under and so i went home and reformed (albeit only till i was 20) but atleast i tried.And at 20 and the early times of 21 i lost it again but i never truly recovered.I used to go to bed every night and wish for death to take me in my sleep going as far as writing my eulogy and obituary (fucked up??? I know) and that took a pregnancy to get me out of then that didnt work out as i hoped it would and i threw myself into work to survive.But now at 22,am just wondering why i am tired again? Is it the work or just the need for a break? With my job,getting the kind of break i want is going to be tricky.So i took some time off last week and spent it wasted and in a constant drunken stupor (I needed that,it takes a lack of a hangover and a craving for alcohol because you have been drinking everyday for 3months to ask yourself why you are still drinking).I loved the constant highness,when your high you dont have to feel or think and i guess sometimes you need a break from your thoughts.But thats not what's worrying me at 22,its some girl i know who i think is goig through an identity and belonging crisis and i saw myself in her,and that scared me shitless.I have managed to keep all my identities in life and not much changes about who i am from year to year,but i know i miss the belonging bit and i have tried to belong in so many circles and thats the bullshit thats upsetting me.I have always been able to brag to others how much of a free spirit i am just for me to have it thrown back in my face? by myself???That just doesnt tickle my fancy.So this is a note to self for 22 and 23 incase we miss a year, you are perfectly happy and content being you,dont change that because if you do,you will change everything.And to add to all that shit,do you really want to add an identity and belonging crisis to the already fucked up human being you just might be?
Now more sad stuff, i love reading and of late i have been reading a book titled 'STiLL ALiCE' and its about a woman who develops early onset Alzheimers at the age of 50 and slowly loses her memory.When she finds out,she saves a file on her laptop with directions to kill herself if things get so bad she cant remember a list of questions that go off every morning at 8am on her BlackBerry but soon she is getting lost in her own house,waking up in the middle of the night to look for something but not knowing what she was looking for.Then one day she sees the file and reads it and goes off to look for the pills but the moment she gets up,she doesnt remember what she was going to do.To be honest,that book made me want to cry with almost every page i turned yet i couldnt help but laugh at some of the things she would do.Sad...very!But it got me thinking,of all the diseases i could get,be it Cancer or AIDS or whatever else,i would much rather suffer from Alzheimers and not remember myself and not feel anything because am scared of pain and shame,but there is no shame in Alzheimers because the word does not exist.I still would have much rather,but i talked to a friend who also read the book and she said that she would much rather be married to someone with Alzheimers and suffer from AIDS???That as far as am concerned is bullshit.Especially since i can clearly see one of the few ladies i love like a sister go down that road even after being warned in advance.Its total and utter bullshit for anyone to want to do that to themselves,how unfair that others go looking for AIDS while the ones who dont are raped or get an accident or a transfusion and get it.That right there is bullshit!
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