Pointless perhaps?!?

Trying to find the words to express all that I have to say is proving to be a far easier task than I had anticipated or would have liked it to be.

I feel worthless, trashy, classless and very much the epitome of filthy.

There are a couple of other words I would love to use in respect to myself but I draw the line at the above. Maybe am just scared that seeing them on paper will re affirm that this is all I am or maybe its because I don’t want anyone else to see me the way I see myself. Although I guess in the spirit of honesty, this sort of beats the purpose because I feel like everyone who looks at me sees me just as I see myself.

I can see the disgust on their faces when they look at me, feel the disdain and displeasure in the looks they give me. Don’t tell me am being paranoid because I saw it in my best friends eyes too. How do I face society with the weight of this on my shoulder? How do I wake up every morning and go to work looking over my shoulder all the time, feeling strange warm breaths on the nape of my neck that make me want to curl up and die from lack of strength to cope or protect myself?

Am I insane to think that its insane of anyone to expect me to agree to leave the house without a valid and very important reason to do so. Everyone telling me how strong I am just makes me feel weaker knowing that I did nothing to stop it or to even try to get help. I let this happen to me and now I have to face the consequences all by myself.

And just when I thought I was finally getting to the point of healing comes this fool with sweet and soft kisses from the past, slowly crawling under my skin at my point of loosing all hope and I close my eyes and ears to all that is around me and I gave in. Didn’t make a fuss about it, even told her how bad sex had been after it all and I thought she understood how hard it was to let myself do it, and how much worst I felt for enjoying it, just for me to realize that she took me for a cheap thrill. Its like all who know have changed their perception of me and all who don’t still snicker and laugh about it, speculating and guessing and making me see things in ways I didn’t think I ever would again.

All the self worth it took years to build, all the care I took in building that fort that fell apart in a matter of minutes, all the boundaries I set in place to protect me, all of them gone in an instant. I was scared that if anyone knew, they wouldn’t touch me not even with a ten foot pole but instead I get to watch them leer and get their way with me. Feeling the disgust swell up in my throat when they are done. Knowing she wont call the next morning and if she does, she doesn’t mean it and all I am to her is the friend she can get into bed when she wants to and that makes me hate myself, why doesn’t it make her hate me enough to leave me alone?

p.s

am not sure this has anything at all to do with what it says.