Being selfish and vain

Written on 18^th September

Being vain and selfish, I rarely if ever admit it when I lose. But I feel I need to share something that happened that sort of stung.

When I got to having sex with Nameless, it took a lot to get there. I didn’t want to play mind games with her or beat around the bush like I had done for a year plus (yes, it took me that long to get around to doing it) so I jumped in with both feet. The alcohol and kush helped a lot but what really drove me to do it was that I had spent hours with her and all I could think about was tearing off all her clothes and having my way with her (it didn’t exactly happen like that I assure you). And when I got around to asking for it, I was so calm and at ease (confession: Ms. Bellz helped a lot) that it felt like the most natural thing to do. I will not tire to tell of how amazing the sex is but maybe I should try and explain what makes it so good.

Have you ever had sex with someone and the slut in you came out in full throttle? Someone who does all the things you have always wanted to do without you having to put it into words? Someone who walks into a room and your breath catches and your pussy drips? A hug is enough contact to make my pussy have a mind of its own and claim total control of my life. It was/is that good. The sex was off the hook and there was no lack of things to talk about after it. What more could a girl ask for? Being the woman that I am, doing what I did took a lot but after I did it, it gave my ego that rub that every self assured bitch (Babe In Total Control of Herself) needs and wants. I was on a roll after that.

So I thought maybe I should go back to my books and find all the women I have ever wanted but never had the courage to approach. It was not a hard thing to do. After all, I have been around for 5years and still counting. The only problem came up when upon closer inspection of the list; I realized most of the women are in relationships. Still that did not stop me. I was on a roll….Tried getting to talk to some and they reminded me almost immediately in the most absurd of ways why I had put them on a list and never gotten around to doing anything about them. Like one who I had always wanted but from the first kiss they gave me I knew that it was an exercise in futility (if you can’t kiss me right how can you fuck me right?)

Then of course there were the ones who got me wondering why I thought I liked them in the first place. A woman who is still the same after 5years, not having changed anything, not the good or bad. How is such a person supposed to offer me something new every day? And finally, let’s not forget the ones that I have kept on a whole new list of possibilities to try in the course of the next 20years of my life. But the really interesting list is the one that I want to do in the next 3months. That list had about 5 women on it, one of whom I have already been there and done that with (2^nd and 3^rd helpings are pursued if the 1^st serving was good.). 2 are in a relationship and the final 2 are…let’s not talk about it. One would think that I would have started going after them full throttle but I haven’t been able to. (This is where we finally get to the things that stung *just a bit*) I preoccupied my mind with Nameless and the very good sex that I was getting that I totally lost sight of what was ahead and perhaps the fact that I was in a very twisted and slightly scary way falling for this woman that it took so long to get into bed with and form a friendship with. Twisted I know, but it was one of those things I didn’t see coming till I was facing it in the face. As I was sorting out all that was going on in my head, trying to understand if this was serious or just one of those passing flings that create whirlwinds of emotions yet amount to nothing but wind, Beauty suffered a huge loss and I shelved my thoughts and emotions for another time. As I was coming round to addressing them, the sex came to an end because well, let’s just say circumstances that WERE foreseen came into light. (one would think since I saw them coming I should have ducked, but that’s not how I roll). And much as I say one thing to myself (cue: Usher - can you help me) in the throes of the moments that recreate themselves in my mind, I also get these moments when I deny it to myself vehemently. I get skeptical that I could actually think that. So for the next 2weeks before I have to face the fact that another year bites the dust, I will tie up loose ends and any that won’t have been tied, will be forgotten.

It is time to get my head out of my ass and into more exciting and happier times to come ;-D