Numbness

Written on 21^st September 3.00am

Beauty, Jay and I have been talking for hours, getting to know each other and reminiscing about the past. Our lives, all the pain we went through knowingly and unknowingly, all of it brought about by a day of hanging out and doing rounds together. It has been a long day with a walk from Beauty’s home to GALCK then to town to run errands (I miss my mummy, still didn’t get to see her) and finally to see a friend (not sure if that’s the right word but am sure it applies considering the circumstances). By the time we left the friend’s house, I was in a mood that just didn’t make sense and it took time to get me back to my usual frame of mind. It has occurred to us all in the course of this conversation that we are from such different backgrounds and have lived such different lives yet the similarities are uncanny.

The one great factor we have in common is that we have loved and lost, but we have not given up on finding love again. We have had a lot happen to us, but we have not given up. Yesterday as we were talking, we realized that of all the times we thought we had found love; we had tried to make every woman meet a certain standard. The S.I unit for the love we have been searching for has been based on individuals never on the emotions behind what we are looking for. That has got to be the biggest revelation we made. The second was that all the women we have dated have been the same person just a different face. Painful and eye opening as the revelations were, they brought about the idea that maybe things need to change in our lives.

Most of the people I have met in Lezville have more underlying issues than I can put into words, but I have been so ready to lay judgment and not understand where they come from yet I expect them to understand me. It takes a lot to see the fault in you and I admit, some I see but choose not to air but this one I will air.

I have been in love and lost, most probably because the woman I fell in love with was an emulation or maybe I should call it a re-incarnation of my mother. The same things that strain my relationship with the woman who sired me were the same issues that affected our relationship. The strangest thing is that I didn’t see it then but I see it now. In the last 3years (from June 2010), I have been numb and a closed book about my emotions. I express the complete opposite of what I want to say in everything I write and there seems no way to correct that. Maybe I have had such high expectations of my writing that when I write, I only see the negative and when I see the positive, I focus on the negative behind it. In my numbness, I have neglected a lot and above all else myself. In neglecting myself I have forgotten what it feels like to feel good. The bad plagues me but the good evades me. It’s like a game of hide and seek. The good hides and I seek, only I when I find it, I lose it almost as fast. A good question was posed on where I feel I stand on matters of the heart (cue: Tracy Chapman-Matters of the heart). And I have had to answer honestly. Much as I have been numb, I have felt some things that should have opened my eyes but instead they clouded my judgment. Joy was the first woman I hooked up with after Di and she professed her undying love yet still cheated, all the emotions I associated with Di were recreated in her and when I walked away from her I felt complete all over again. Then came Bella and that was the shortest lived relationship and now a year later (almost) I know why I chose those 2. It was so easy to convince myself that it was perfect with no emotions. Lack of emotions implied a contentment and lack of disappointment in case it ever came to an end. But I currently find myself feeling. The first emotion I felt was anticipation, the second was apprehension on getting to know this woman, then the realization that I was falling in like and now am sad to say am falling in love(sad because am not sure where this love will take me). A part of me misses the numbness because I realize with love comes pain but I guess that’s a small price to pay for a good emotion. As I learn how to feel again (am doing good all by myself), I have learnt jealousy is one of those things I can’t control, sharing is caring (I need to learn how to share a woman’s attention and affection), actions speak louder than words (show me you care, don’t tell me) and finally, I cannot cook chicken and expect to serve beef (doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is a retarded move).The lessons I will learn this year will be mighty painful. In the spirit of celebrating the end of my numbness, I am hosting a “I will make you an awesome wife if you will have me” luncheon. Wish me success…actually, maybe I need luck more. This might not end as well as I wish it to.