Scary Realizations

I have been trying to figure out why am unable to maintain my blog. It has been haunting me for a while now and it was getting to me. Well, last night I had a major breakthrough as to the reasons and the thinking process behind the reasons.

It’s been a while since I was last truly honest on my blog. I have taken to speaking and writing in parables and the realization that this is probably the main reason why am unable to write makes me unhappy. I started this blog with so much honesty, willing to talk about my life and the people who have crossed my path and to come to the conclusion that am scared of the repercussions of sharing what’s going on in my life has me thinking perhaps am not as happy go lucky and content as I have been portraying.

Therefore,…here goes a stab at honesty…

I broke up with my baby daddy. That was hard; actually, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. I really did love him. First man I have been in love with in forever. Teenage ‘love’ affairs not counted as truly being in love. It was what I needed at that time in my life and I had great faith that it was a love that would last forever. Instead, it proved to be my undoing. He would say all that I needed to hear do what I needed done. In the same breath, turn around, say, and do things that broke me into pieces, just for him to collect them and try to piece me back together. A cycle as dysfunctional as the heart wrenching relationships I have had with women.

I thought I deserved better thus my leaving. Am proud of that choice, but in all honesty, the prospect of raising a daughter without a father scares me. She could turn out better than I have and never go looking for him or she could do worse and go out into the world with a daddy complex that would make me distraught. Just for her, I am maintaining a relationship with him and letting him get to know her and vice-versa. For the sake of all that is good, true and honest, I hope they have a great relationship and she is the best person she can be.

That being said, I have been leading on a sweet child. She is beautiful and kind and she has the ability to make me wet. However, we have not had sex. It’s not that am not interested, I just don’t want to break anymore hearts when I have nothing more to offer than an occasional roll in the hay. I like to think I have a good heart and honest intentions with everyone in my life but sometimes I forget where that goodness is and get lost in my own desires. Sometimes we talk all serious but even as we talk, I know am blowing air. I do not feel it in my bones.

I am looking for quick thrills and long hard fucks. It sounds wrong, but how can I want more when every time I get it I leave it for the quick and happy bursts of bubbles? Am like a child with a new toy that came all wrapped in bubble wrap. I love the toy but the bubble wrap offers an immediate thrill with each pop of a bubble. This sweet child, Heavens forbid that she is reading this, because if she is she will ask me the same question I ask myself after I talk to her; ‘Why didn’t you say what you meant to say?’ And when she asks me, what am I supposed to say? That I want to feel wanted but I don’t want to be needed? Or that it’s so much easier to fall in love with someone I know will break my heart. Maybe a part of me wants to be a femme fatale or maybe a damsel in distress but that side of me every so often remembers that I deserve better and my confidence picks up and I make a conscious effort to get better. Those times are few but NOT far in between, just not a part of me that I entertain very often. The pursuit and desire of the whole is love. However, am searching for what kind of love? Every kind I have gotten makes me sick with unshed tears, unspoken words and selfish ideals. And then I think like I have been thinking all night that it is what it is. I am living it. If I truly wanted it any different, I would be making choices that make it different.

In the spirit of all those confessions, I have one last one that I could share and destroy all chances of me making it last or I could keep to myself and it would make me over think things as I have been doing…Hmmm….which will it be...

Pun intended!