breakeven...

I have been staring at a lollipop that i got on wednesday every so often and tears keep flooding into my eyes.I cant seem to stop crying and this song is like the saddest i can think of right now not to mention the only one...

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

am overwhelmed with emotions of late that i cant do anything about.i cant talk about them because am scared they might come back to bite me.but here and now i cant seem to stop my hands typing...

When my wife left this time round i decided it was time for a baby in my life so i went out and got pregnant(am sure everyone has a question about how but i wont answer that)...anyway,i thought a baby would be what i needed because i had had enough tears to last me a lifetime and i wasnt about to go after my wife again seeing as she doesnt want to be here....does anyone know how hard it is to say something that painful to yourself when your heart is breaking and all you can do is smile and pretend you are okay?when all you want is an answer to why you were never good enough or even enough?When you wish you had never met the person but you know deep down inside no matter what you say or think you know you love them so much that no matter how many times they break your heart,you would rather it was them than someone else?
Anyway,the point is i got pregnant and had every intention of keeping it to be a replacement to the love i had for my wife and not to mention i really dont want to ever fall in love again,the baby was going to be mine,all mine and nobody would have a say in its life except me.But clearly God had something else in mind.

I have been stuck in bed the last 3 weeks with a fever,stomach ache once in a while and severe vomoiting.Everyone around me kept telling me it was just the pregnancy but i knew deep down inside that it was worse than that i just wasnt ready to find out what exactly was wrong.

So i went to a doctor a week ago today and i had all these tests done but didnt tell the doctor i was expecting.When Monday came around and i still couldnt leave my bed,i went to a different doctor and actually admitted to being pregnant and ofcourse the inevitable happened,i had to go for a scan.Have you ever looked at a doctors face and known whatever they have to say to you will not be something you want to hear?i was so scared and at that point being alone in that office i heard my world crumble all around me.

I have this tears in my uterus that will only get bigger as the baby grows and will according to my doctor cause me excruciating pain and might even cause my death...the pain i can tell you is really bad and this she says is just the beggining.The big idea here is to advice me to get rid of it before it gets any bigger and i lose it in a miscarriage that might kill me.On Monday i was so depressed by the idea of losing this baby or my life that i booked an appointment with the doctor to have it taken out.But on wednesday i saw someone i had really been wanting to see and there and then i made up my mind to get a second opinion.Yesterday was a very long and emotional day for me.I went to see a doctor in the morning because of some bleeding and this doctor was to be my second opinion.She took a scan and i swear to God,looking at that screen i couldnt understand why this was happening to me.Turns out the tears will heal as long as i get rid of the baby,start on meds,get a little surgery done and give it another 3/4 years...But i have made up my mind about what to do.I just hope if anything happens to me,she(my baby,i hope its a girl...thinking of naming her Diana) will know how much i love her and how i couldnt just let her go.

Today i realise that when a heart breaks,it doesnt break even....