countdown...

Recently i had the joy and privilege of being held in the arms of someone i love dearly and i thought that just being there would make me feel better and dont get me wrong,it did till i realised i was living a fantasy that would dissipate into nothingness right before my eyes.
Rightly so,it did exactly that and i was left with this emptiness that i cant describe.I got home and just as i crawled into bed,i had this overwhelming feeling that i was facing the calm before the storm.I trust my intuition because it has never failed me before but that night i didnt want to buy into it.I was wishing that it was just an emotional moment that would fade and i would be fine.But the feeling wouldnt go away.I slept fitfully and woke up at some point to cry my heart out but i couldnt find the reason to my tears.
Anyway,this was a couple of days ago and the feeling still didnt go away.Even now i feel like am walking around with a cloud over my head thats waiting to turn into a storm that i wont be able to get myself out of and to be honest,am terrified.
Yesterday i got home and i all i could do was sit on the floor in the toilet,my head  buried inside it throwing up like there was not tomorrow when i felt this pain that i could not for the life of me describe,pass through my stomach.I felt my legs go numb and i felt suddenly dizzy and i think i passed out.I woke up in the toilet an hour later and the pain was still there just a dull throb and i didnt have the energy to get up and walk so i crawled to my room and slept on the floor till my mummy got home and put me to bed.How can i best describe what was going through my mind in those hours?I cried silently and prayed fervently for my baby like i havent ever done before and even when i drifted in and out of sleep through the night i woke up with a prayer on my lips,tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart that i couldnt bear.Am i going crazy?am i over reacting?am i getting paranoid?Am scared and to be true to myself,the prayers and tears are not making me feel any better.And my intuition tells me this is nothing compared to what is coming...
So,i started a countdown to the big surprise that will shake my life.I know that whatever it is thats coming will change me i just dont think it is going to be good...
Besides all thats been happening this week,i realised that i have relapsed.Whatever progress i had made in the last 2 or so months seems to have been flushed down a toilet.I cant seem to get myslef to live in the here and now.i want to live in my fantasy where all is well,am always happy and nothing can make me miserable because if i didnt put it there it aint real.But then again,the fantasy isnt real either...