loss...

Some things are harder to say even to yourself than others...but its taken me a week of drumming this into myself to (i wont lie and say accept) just wrap my head around it and acknowledge that i have lost before i actually got a chance to enjoy it...
My greatest fear was that i would live and she wouldnt and it has come to pass.I can totally confess and say that after the last 2 trips to the doctor before i travelled i knew i was on a suicide mission.Only one of us was going to make it if any at all and i was praying and wishing and hoping that she would make it and i wouldnt...if one must go,i thought why not me?But during my trip i switched my line of prayer and started praying that we both made it.why bring her into the world and watch her being brought up by someone else?Do you think i was crazy thinking that she would make it?The sense of loss am feeling is so great,i havent been able to sleep in the last week...and when i do,i have dreams of holding her in my arms and kissing her tiny fingers as she falls asleep in my arms...Then the emptiness i feel inside me when i wrap my arms around my tummy...I would lie in bed at night and soothe myself to sleep feeling her heart beat in tune with mine and now all that is gone and all i have are memories that taunt and haunt me...
Its ironic how friday the 6th of May seems etched in my mind.I had such a long day with a cast that was threatening to drive me nuts and i kept rubbing the growing mound that was my tummy and whispering sweet endearments to soothe her because i had this faint pain and a nagging feeling that all was not well and just as i was wrapping up my work at 1am i felt a pain that knocked the air out of me and i didnt want to sit still and show anyone how much pain i was in and i suddenly couldnt breathe and all i could think was if am not getting enough oxygen,is she?...I explained my change in countenance writing it off as an asthma attack and now i wish i hadnt...That was a long weekend with so much travelling and so many worries and when i got back into town i wasnt sure i could live with whatever the doctor told me so i stalled till sunday when i was incapacitated with pain and my sister had to take me to hospital and i still didnt want to tell my mother.I got an ultra sound and looking at the screen and seeing the concerned look on the doctor's face i knew something was seriously wrong...i couldnt see or even hear a heartbeat and hats when i felt the walls cave around me and my world fell apart when he looked up at me and said i needed to get it taken out before it got anymore complicated but i refused and walked out and went home in a daze to try and figure out what i would do next.That night,i couldnt sleep,i cried,got a fever and had the worst pain i had ever imagined and wednesday morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders i finally let her go.Am i insane for feeling like i left her in the hospital all alone with nobody to love her and talk to her?Why do i feel like i should go back and demand to have her put back where i can protect her?...i cant complete this train of thought...this is my second loss and am falling apart too fast to put myself together...but i believe am going t be fine?