Beauty this post is dedicated to you to say thank you for listening to my constant rantings and ravings about everything that bothers me,even when i make the least sense,you are there for me 100%.
I am sure you remember the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago,i know i have a bad memory but i wanted to show that i got what you said (even if i dont totally agree-maybe because i know you are right).You said the main reason why i cant stop writing about my ex is because i am not over her...not that i acknowledge that i am not or i am,but i think if i explain it to you,you will get it (you and everyone else who thinks the same).
Before anyone gets to the point of marrying anyone,there are things you need to have considered and i honestly thought i had considered them all when i said yes to her.You of all people know i loved her with all my heart and i would have died for her had the circumstances led me to so.So if i found/am finding it hard to let go of her its because of that and alot of other things like the fact that i never thought that at the age of 21,i would be married and separated (here she would say divorced but i think that needs a court of law but considering we didnt get a marriage certificate,i dont think it counts).I know i have told you all the things she did to me and i have not been able to put most of them on this blog (most definately because i loved/love(whichever you like) her) and you have wiped my tears and been my strength,but i havent told you some of the things i did to her (i dont believe they are worse than what she did to me,i just dont want to expose myself in that way to the world).One day i will tell you all these things (if she hasnt already started a blog to bash me) and maybe you will never look at me the same again but i will work on that and cross that bridge when i get to it.The point is,i didnt think i would be where i am today,separated and having lost the baby that was to be her replacement.At times am bitter and i hate her but other times i miss her so much and i fear that i would give my heart to her a million times over even if she would break it again(sad but true)...but its when i get those thoughts that i sit and write about her (whether negative or positive-making sure not to divulge what i truly feel because am not sure) all in the hope of getting her out of my system.I know most times it makes me look like i am not over her,but there are 2 sides to every coin right?I had the honor of talking to someone i thought could shed some light on my situation and she told me to vent all i want till i cant vent anymore then i will realise am empty enough to look for someone to fill the void left behind and i did exactly that and it helped (though not as i had expected) and now i can comfortably say,that i am not over her,she is not a bout of food poisoning that i can be cured of so finding love in another is the only cure i need...and i think i have...but thats for when am sure i have found it!!!!
To be honest,i think the main reason why i got around to writing this is because i had the wierdest wake up call from the most unexpected person ever and hearing that voice shook me in a way i didnt think it still could and i thought of you when i hung up and that you have been saying to me and i to you and the question that came to mind was,do we ever truly stop loving those we truly loved?or do we just learn to love them alot less than we did with time?...that being said i have major vibe for you about the boy that makes me feel super special...but thats all for another day!
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