running..

I just realised this blog is like my diary.It has alot more about my personal life than my actual diary...
Here i am,at a point in my life when i should be in school,moving in and out of relationships,trying to find myself and discover who i really am before i turn 22 just like everyone else my age,instead, am running away from school,working a job i love to death, trying to attach myself in a permanent relationship and declaring to the world that i am who and what i am and its not going to change anytime soon...Am i sure about myself? Yes i am.I have never been surer about anything in my life.I hate labels and i have spent so much time running away from any labels i get and so recently i had to soul search about the title Lesbian in my life...I know i love women and i cant see my life without them,but do i really want to be titled a lesbian? Why cant i just be Catty, a sensual and sexual being? I want to have sex when i want to have it and i can have it with anyone or anything i want right?Borrowing a leaf from Pouline Kimanni a great woman, i think am simply Queer...But that sounds so QUEER...so i will just stick to am Catty...I hope i answered your question as to what exactly i am...
So, about running,I explained above that i have been running away from my life for a while.I hate school (although i want to go back in January) and i don't understand why i have to go back and since D and i didn't work out,i have been running away from love and anything even remotely related to it.But in all honesty,i met someone i like alot about 11 weeks ago.It was just a crush when it started out and i wouldn't even look her in the eyes when i talked to her and when i did i would feel heat spread all over me.So here i have been,going round in circles trying to find a way to get over this crush because well i was dating Joy and i don't like being labelled a cheater.So i have been a good girl,avoiding this girl that makes me feel like my insides are melting and i cant control the smile that keeps spreading across my lips and how my heart starts to beat so fast just seated next to her.Have i mentioned the pool that forms between my legs?I have been a good girl.Until i decided that it was time to take the good girl up a notch and stop wasting Joy's time and the very next day, i decided to see what my chances were with the mystery girl (Lets call her Faith because i have Faith that this just might work) and i did the one thing i know how to do,i went after her the one way a sexual woman doesn't know how to say no to and it worked...i think i deserve a medal!It worked (sort of) well,she didn't throw a fit,in fact i think she enjoyed it (If i didn't have esteem issues i would have asked her if she did) and after that,i have been having this recurring nightmare that am just taking myself on a ride and i will wake up to find myself alone on a deserted street.But while i was out of town working for a couple of days,i decided to just throw caution to the wind and start something i was not sure would fly and it did,just for the rug to be pulled under my feet.She took control and i loved it (To be honest,am a very strong headed woman and very opinionated buuuut i love the idea of domination (being dominated that is) and it rocked my world in a way i haven't had it rocked in a while) and i thought that it was a sign of progress.Now am not so sure.How do i find out what progress exactly am making with this girl?How do i know if its a two way street when i can barely broach the subject with myself without my heart contracting???I think i have been out of the game for too long or maybe i just lost my touch...Point is,am no longer running...not from life or love...And its all thanks to the one person i never expected,D...Maybe i should write her a thank you note?Maybe the next blog post can be just that!