What's up?

Its been a while since i wrote anything,i have tried sitting and writing but every time i do,i get this mind block and my hands wont type...but i have sat and typed out a couple of notes on my phone (thank heavens for the IDEOS - Better known as Idiot) So i have decided to put them down and sort of explain why i wrote what i wrote.So here goes...
Note 1
Everything is just there,am neither happy nor sad,neither mad for that matter,just somewhere in the middle feeling so many things at once but not relating to any of them.Life is a mystery,confusion plagues me,emotions ruin me,still waters run deep they say,but am not still yet i know am deep...Am not content but i have no contempt.Am i drowning WO-man clutching at straws?Or a lost soul trying to find my way home?Am fighting it left,right and center but i dont know what am fighting for...Should i stop fighting?
I wrote this some weeks ago (i think like 10 wks ago) when i could not for the life of me figure out what was ailing my mind till i sorted out my thoughts and figured i was chasing the wrong woman and i just needed to stop and find a way to fight for the right one...am i sure she is the right one?Sometimes i have my doubts but those dont last as long as i remember why am still after her...(i know sometimes i sound crazy and sometime,............... i think i am)


Note 2
Am selfish with my women.I dont like to share.Not their time nor attention.Am like a possessive pet that doesnt understand affection and attention can be divided.I want this girls' undivided attention and affection and i dont know how to keep myself from getting upset when i have to share it so am learning the hard way.I wont lie and say that its easy but i dont really have a choice (or do I?)Sometimes when she is not looking,i stare at her and wonder what she sees in me because i dont see it.She is not perfect but in her imperfections lies her perfection.I think how lucky i am that she even notices that i exist and remind myself that its hard to ignore someone who wont be ignored.I get so jealous and possessive when one of my 'friends' is around and i dont understand why.When she smiles at her i want to tear off my hair (good thing i shaved it) and when they talk and laugh,i hear nothing but the din in my head and the voices chanting...'run...run...run..' and i can hear a side of me (maybe the sane side of me) scream 'DON'T BE STUPID,SHE IS NOT YOUR PROPERTY' I know am being my usual insecure self and that scares me loads because i know all the things i have lost in this life are based on my insecurities that have no basis...This girl is special,she hates rules but i dont know how to live without them and i know i cant push her because if i do,i will lose - AGAIN!!!!!Am as stupid as they come talking to myself on pen and paper,forgetting that i have i voice,but am also too smart for my own good because i know if i open my mouth and say these things out loud,they will come to pass.What did i ever do in my past life that has turned me into this messed woman/child that wont let things be?Or maybe i just need to deal with all else in my life and everything will fall into place?I dont want to keep making the same mistakes but i cant seem to help it...What is wrong with me???
Well,like i said , i seem to have alot on my mind that is running a mock and so i have no clue what is going on in reality half the time (thank heavens these emotions only come out when am drinking or getting stoned...)Which reminds me,i have alot to thank for.I have been off my precious herb for sometime and am hoping to keep off it for the next forever (maybe a couple of years then i can do the seasonal blunt?)My block having come down, i can begin finally begin to write the present...but maybe tomorrow,i have to watch Nanny McPhee...