A month later...

The 16th of November marked a whole month of me n Bella in a relationship (if that is what dating means) and it has been a learning process.Sometimes i go back to my experiences in my previous relationships and i get worked up when i see things that point to all the things i run away from.You see, i trust my instincts because all the other times when i have convinced myself am crazy,it turns out that i am right...
Well,i took Bella out for dinner on the said date and i hoped that i wouldn't be feeling empty when it was over.We had dinner at Meditterano and i made sure we checked in for diner before 10pm,sat there till the restaurant was totally empty at midnight.We had dinner and talked about how good the food was then later checked into a hotel and got to bed,but didn't sleep till around 4am.But i didn't sleep well at all...I have been having sleepless nights of late and all have been based on thoughts of Bella.I am not going to lie and say i think she is cheating on me,because well,i let that thought go when i realised it only breeds fear and insecurities i have no intention of dealing (with my insecurities that stem from basic needs that i cant seem to accomplish).So here i have been,spending sleepless and restless nights thinking about Bella and i have been doing it unconsciously.Like when i attend meetings and i have these bouts of zoning out with Bella on my mind,only not understanding the thoughts in my head.Dinner was awesome,Meditterano have amazing food and i enjoyed it even though i ate very little.And the hotel was OK.But long after Bella was fast asleep,i got up and sat up in bed,looking at her sleeping form trying to figure out the thoughts in my mind keeping me awake and just when i was giving up on getting to the bottom of all of it,it came to me,my spirit has been very uneasy since about 12 days ago when we went to see the boring man from Jamaica.You see, lights and Bella used to have a thing when she was dating her ex (a woman) and i wasn't totally comfortable with the whole meet my ex clande thing (am not sure the word clande should apply or maybe i should call him her side dish) she would be running to him when things between her and her ex weren't working out then leave when she sorted out issues and that alone has given me sleepless nights.But this mainly is Lights version of the story.Call me a coward or whatever,but i cant seem to get myself to hear anything she says in regards to Lights,maybe its because in my head i hear the words Bullshit resonating like an echo with no end.Am a bullshitter so i tend to see bullshit from a mile away even when am not looking.Am not calling her a liar,just a bullshitter.She talks about how much she doesn't like him and i get it because after all,he did sleep with one of our sisters and that totally makes sense.But when you keep talking to someone you supposedly don't like,there is something wrong with that picture.So anyway,i was doing a lot better as of yesterday morning when for the first time in a long time (she let me do what i want to do every morning of my life).I was fine,all smiles and glowing like a baby that just had a refreshing bath and got smothered in love and attention when i went to Westlands to attend to some business.Then i made the tragic mistake of siting at a restaurant and having a cup of coffee and some cigarettes as i thought through my life and the joys that come with it and as i was thinking about Bella,Lights face came to mind (how weird is that?) and i groaned out loud.I was really not in the mood to think about him,but as i tried to push his picture out of my mind,i got this tug in my soul that got me thinking maybe i should give a couple of minutes to dwell on him and dwell i did.I got this feeling deep in my gut to get up and go to wherever Bella was because, i had a feeling that wherever she was,Lights was also there so i put my work on hold and went all the way to see my girlfriend.She took me to the studio to meet someone and right there was...LIGHTS?!?!?!?So he wasn't the friend i was to meet,but he was there.And i instantly felt my tummy go queasy.Am not necessarily a drama queen,i can share a table with people i hate but the most i will do is shut up.But the whole atmosphere in the room changed when we walked in and found him.It wasn't an air of awkwardness pertaining to dislike,it was the suspicious kind of air,like when you walk into a room with two people who share a secret.Its very tricky...I got so uncomfortable i just went mute and tried to feel at purok all night,i woke up with a resolution to turn things around and that was before i had a talk with BB who is in communication with Lights.She gave me a story about a conversation they had yesterday.Apparently Bella told Lights that my boss took all of us(that is BB and WM) to dinner on the 16th (am not a money minded girl,but i took this girl out for an expensive dinner out of wanting to give her the best because i think she deserves it and she lies about it to an ex clande???Does that sound right if they really are exes???)I would have given the excuse that its because she is still in the closet or better yet she doesn't consider herself gay,but lights knows whats going on between Bella and I,so again i ask,WTF?!?!????I dont want to say am mad,am just abit confused and very disappointed.All this on a Friday morning and am supposed to be thinking of ways of keeping on the right track?So anyway,i got upset (i just have to say it because if i don't am scared it will blow up inside me) and am so (i don't know if what i feel has words to describe what it is,That awkward moment when the English language doesn't have a single word that defines everything you feel) but am telling myself there must be a valid reason,considering how much our sex life has been on my mind (i thought with the conversation we had yester morning we were fine not to mention the sex...)So am just wondering,should i ask or ignore,get mad and upset and just throw in the towel or better yet,get up and run as fast as i can??That this girl even gave me a chance,makes me think she is worth fighting for because she has been through alot,but i have suffered alot,and am not sure i can take another woman who lies to me and treats me like an idiot (when am clearly not one).So i wont ask your advice,to be honest,i just needed somewhere to say how upset i am without feeling guilty for my emotions.And in writing,i hope to finally find an answer to how to deal with whats bothering me.

P.S
I have considered that Lights might be talking to BB knowing she will talk to me just to piss me off and work me up,after all,everything is possible!!!