Musings

It’s been a while since I let you come to the forefront of my mind, but yesterday in my daily musings I let you fill me up. I let you cloud my mind and take over my senses completely, I left myself vulnerable for a few minutes and let the fears consume me, felt my breath grow shallow and my body sink into a state of unawareness as the thoughts consumed me so totally and utterly. Nothing came to mind except the constant image of me in the darkest recesses of a closet, huddled on the floor, my head tucked  into my knees, sobbing softly, careful not to make a noise so that you wouldn’t find me. My head ached from the hours of crying, my knees felt weak from the stance I had taken on the floor and my ass numb from the hard coldness of the floor.

It’s been a while since I let you take me over like this, the shivers always consume when I think of you, the tug in my heart gets tighter and I sometimes (when I can’t get myself out of your grasp) feel the life drain out of me, bit by bit as my heart feels like it has stopped beating and all reason leaves my mind and I try to gasp for air. And every time I get out of it I promise myself I won’t let myself be consumed by you again but yet time and again I do.

It’s been a while since I let you come into my bed, I can’t remember how I did it, but I do remember or maybe it’s my imagination just what it would be like. Lying next to a beautiful woman, her arms around me, and you taking all the joy away by invading my mind and taking away the sweet memory that I made just a mere moments ago, it would feel like your hands were around my neck, squeezing tighter and tighter as the weight on my chest gets heavier and my breath catches...

It’s been a while and I would like to keep it that way, so after yesterday, please take your leave and never come back. Maybe if this had been a choice I could take back, I would have, actually I don’t think I would have. But having you hold it over my sanity and happiness, constantly pushing me to breaking point is not wearing me down but reaffirming that I made the right choice. After all, nothing good could ever come from all this fear! Get it through your thick layer of tales and lies that it’s never going to happen, am never joining your camp!

Today my musings will dwell on bountiful and fabulous spring fields in the dusk just as the moon comes out to shine its light on the world...I will have her wrapped up in my arms as the darkness engulfs us and at the back of my mind all I will wish for are more musings of spring fields and falling flowers...