It’s been a while since I let you come to the forefront
of my mind, but yesterday in my daily musings I let you fill me up. I let you cloud
my mind and take over my senses completely, I left myself vulnerable for a few
minutes and let the fears consume me, felt my breath grow shallow and my body
sink into a state of unawareness as the thoughts consumed me so totally and
utterly. Nothing came to mind except the constant image of me in the darkest
recesses of a closet, huddled on the floor, my head tucked into my knees, sobbing softly, careful not to
make a noise so that you wouldn’t find me. My head ached from the hours of
crying, my knees felt weak from the stance I had taken on the floor and my ass
numb from the hard coldness of the floor.
It’s been a while since I let you take me over like this,
the shivers always consume when I think of you, the tug in my heart gets
tighter and I sometimes (when I can’t get myself out of your grasp) feel the
life drain out of me, bit by bit as my heart feels like it has stopped beating
and all reason leaves my mind and I try to gasp for air. And every time I get
out of it I promise myself I won’t let myself be consumed by you again but yet
time and again I do.
It’s been a while since I let you come into my bed, I can’t
remember how I did it, but I do remember or maybe it’s my imagination just what
it would be like. Lying next to a beautiful woman, her arms around me, and you
taking all the joy away by invading my mind and taking away the sweet memory
that I made just a mere moments ago, it would feel like your hands were around
my neck, squeezing tighter and tighter as the weight on my chest gets heavier
and my breath catches...
It’s been a while and I would like to keep it that way,
so after yesterday, please take your leave and never come back. Maybe if this had
been a choice I could take back, I would have, actually I don’t think I would
have. But having you hold it over my sanity and happiness, constantly pushing
me to breaking point is not wearing me down but reaffirming that I made the
right choice. After all, nothing good could ever come from all this fear! Get
it through your thick layer of tales and lies that it’s never going to happen,
am never joining your camp!
Today my musings will dwell on bountiful and fabulous
spring fields in the dusk just as the moon comes out to shine its light on the
world...I will have her wrapped up in my arms as the darkness engulfs us and at
the back of my mind all I will wish for are more musings of spring fields and
falling flowers...
2 comments:
This is such an aaaah-mazing post!! Very deep and clearly put together!! Loooove it!
You have yourself a fan!!
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