DETERMINED SOUL

Well, here I am, the determined soul finally doing what I want to do.

After carefully deliberating over the last post that was written about a month ago, I have come to so many conclusions about my life and my choices.

First I chose to make a list of priorities not necessarily in order of how they were going to be tackled, but all the same I made a list:

·         Project Pride (I know Kerry and Tsimaloe will read this and go like really??? But in my defense, I have had to cope with so much of late that I sort of let it take a backseat) I have so much planned for this little project and am scared it will not all go well, but I have every intention of doing all the ones we all agree are for the good of us all. And hopefully, we will learn something at the end of it all and our future generations will have something to be proud of.

·         Hearts Project (In my head its Heartz and working with Immah and her girlfriend on this will be a lesson in determination, perseverance and patience (sounds like the dreadlocks that are clearly serving their purpose) and perhaps will finally clear the air about some things in the community that have been bothering me)this baby is going to be one of those babies that will wear me out, but I don’t mind, infact, I like it.

·         My emotional rollercoaster ride that much as I hate to admit has been very nauseating and overwhelming. I have in the process of trying to factor in all the key players in this cycle learnt that the only key player that matters is me and my happiness. Talk about a dawn age! And in considering me, I need to identify what makes me happiest. Being a love lost puppy or being a woman with infinite confidence that could overwhelm the world?

Out of my priorities I realized that I have been struggling with so much that makes so little sense and forgotten what does make sense. Going back to my third priority, am going to give all I have to give to my girlfriend. My argument being, I can’t claim it didn’t work if I didn’t bother to try. Also, love takes time to grow and mature into something that is of value. This is me nurturing it. A woman am obsessed with that is clearly happy will not provide what I am looking for because she won’t give me what I am looking for (which in this case would be 100%) and neither will she provide my body, mind and soul with what it needs if she is giving it to another. This has got to be what they call a wakeup call.

Moving on to other matters, my mother and I have established a relationship that cannot be shaken by anything. We speak atleast once a week about her potential grandchild and atleast once a week about my health (psychological, emotional and physical). She is concerned about my lack of a commitment to anyone which is strange given that about a year ago we were still on the issue of the fact that I love women. Now, its more of find someone to settle down with. Don’t necessarily marry, but find happiness and give happiness and plan a family. But the catch is, the baby should come before the woman of my eternity. Infact, the baby is her Project 2013/2014 and I beng the mother needto find a donor. Am beginning to wish God had granted that I had baby Di, maybe now I wouldn’t be worrying about whether I really am ready to be a mother and if I will actually make a good mother. Oh Well, that’s life isn’t it? Atleast it’s not on my list of priorities yet.

That having been said, I have made progress as the Determined soul. I should have known all along that this is all I needed, to make up my mind and go with the flow. Now to see how well I will execute the plan of action.