For a the last couple of months I have been obsessing especially to Beauty about this woman that I want, maybe could have but am making zero steps towards getting. My arguments have been that I am terrified of rejection and a couple others. Yes, am chicken or maybe am a pussy, point is, I have been scared of rejection so much that I have all but given up. Granted I gave myself enough peeks into her life to keep me sane and sometimes i admit I would be overcome by the need to be a tad bit psychotic but I did not give in to the need and made major progress. Until I fucked up by trying to define this thing I have been doing....
Maybe I should take a few steps back and start from somewhere that makes more sense? Late September I ran into someone I have known for years, flirted with on occasion but never taken it further than that...till then. We got to talking and like most lesbians do, I took it a step further and got laid. The first time we had sex I had plenty to complain about, then I thought the complaint was based on the quality, but it turns out I was wrong (If you keep reading you will understand why). I talked to Beauty about it and she advised that maybe I should try and relax and I wouldn't get so uncomfortable. Turns out she was right. The more we had sex, the better it got, the pain got less and less (during this time I was avoiding obsessing over the other woman and I managed very well even with communication between us). I saw this as a sign to tale things to the next level a couple of weeks ago and actually got into a relationship with her. Do I love her? Yes I do. Am I in-love with her? am not so sure I want to answer that question. Things were getting better and better and I was sure I was going to come out of all this pretty okay. Am still sure I have come out of this with my heart still intact in my chest (atleast I believe so). So I finally got to enjoying everything about us. Around each other everything is musical (a sign of happiness right?)
and I smile. Only problem is, it seems my little obsession goes above and beyond the psychological, its totally fucking up my sex life.I tried to talk to Beauty about it but she reminded me about a conversation we had a while back when she told me to go after this woman if I truly do want her which is where the rejection argument started that led to my most retarded (albeit honest) excuse that I want to be able to give her the world and I will wait till I can before I can pursue her which led to the most important part, what if it is too late by then? Here comes my libra indecisiveness asking me, how sure am I its not already too late? And what makes me think I have any hopes of getting anywhere with her? In short, Beauty refuses to help because i never take her advice anyway so am left to do this alone...
“Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible.” - Thomas E. Kempis
Maybe if I lived by the above policy, I would know what am doing. A part of me is convinced the main reason this woman is back in my head with so much force is because I am scared of investing in someone that I see myself going to places with. But another part of me is also convinced that maybe this new woman is a distraction to avoid going after the obsession. Which is which?
All I know is that after is said and choices are made, this will be my new Mantra: “There's no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.” - Ella Wheeler Wilcox,
No comments:
Post a Comment