2013 first quarter...and then some

2013…hmmmm, am not sure if so far its going good or its going crazy. It has been a very interesting first quarter, a lot to be said for it but not enough to explain why I am sure this needs to be the year I either get pregnant and/or join a convent.

Well, where to start the tales of this year from??? Let’s go step by step or should I say month by month. Though you need to know there is a lot I will not say about this beautiful three months that have gone by. Like when I ended up in bed with a strange man and woke up with puke on my hat and headscarf (thank heavens for that headscarf). And the time I blacked out, woke up soaked in piss and toothpaste (I have no clue where the toothpaste came from) or the time I thought I was a hero in 5” heels, walking on a road that was full of potholes in the dead of night in my very blind and drunk state and I fell face first into a puddle. It has been quite the three months yes, now I know alcohol is not soup and am a crazy soon to be alcoholic if I keep up with the stunts I have been pulling.

January: I moved house to begin with (still need to pick my things up from her place but I have been too caught up in the mystery that is my life to do so and that I don’t have a car to begin with, would have loved to sort it out though, so if you feel the need to donate your car, please do so…) for reasons I would rather keep to myself but am sure some of the reasons are already in circulation even as I write this. And after moving house I had some time to myself. I would have said quality time if it had been a good idea, but seeing as it made me more destructive than I already was, it was time that had I been a smarter woman I would have spent in the company of friends and family that would have seen all the warning signs before they came pouring down on me. Point is, January was my month from hell, think I caused myself more problems than was ever necessary trying to get myself out of situations I had so adamantly delivered myself into in the first place just for me to realize I needn’t have gone so far. But that’s okay, I will call it a lesson learnt and move on from it. The month did have its prime time though, I got an opportunity to hang out with some really cool peeps, take random trips to Namanga, Entebbe, Kampala, Arusha and I totally loved the trip to Mount Kenya. Am sure I want to live in such a cold and distant place all by myself with lots of power, books, no technology and a lot of paper, pen and ink. Also, I finally finished my essay about me and sent it to my mentor. I have read it over and over since then and I don’t think I like it any better now than I did the first time I read it. The only thing I have forgotten to mention about January is all the alcohol that got into my system. That must have been the highlight of that month, all the booze…

February: Enter February, the month that I dread the most but this year it was quite something else. This has got to be the month this year that I crossed all my boundaries. To begin the month, that little (dragged out) stint ended (much to my dismay yet relief, I was beginning to go crazy over things I could not define or understand) and then started my stint as a CSW (Commercial Sex Worker). Before you gasp and turn to your neighbor to ask them to read this post, you should understand that I want to be a jack of all trades. I still don’t know what I want to spend the rest of my long, unrequested for life doing, but I do know I don’t want to spend it doing the same thing for the rest of it. Now, back to the CSW story, I met someone who kept buying me alcohol and spending all their waking time with me, I had a feeling it was going to get complicated, after all I am yet to meet a man who after spending a week together doesn’t want to have sex with me (except perhaps Mr. Congo). So he asked for it and seeing as I had already started considering going to great lengths to join an escort service I thought I was smarter than all the other women in my life and I charged him for the sex (btw, that is a very liberating feeling) who would have thought, having sex with a man who is paying for it could be so much fun? I did enjoy myself, a little too much if am being true but I think the thrill was knowing just how illicit it was for me to get paid to get laid (esp. by a man)…That stint didn’t last too long, more like a one night stand, but it got us closer and spending more and more time together. Nick and I had to go to Kagio to check on the farm that will in the next couple of years be the premises for our foundation (yes, the girl is dreaming big), we thought it would be a one day trip but it took 4days to cut timber and do some business here and there. My pay for it friend (Ray) joined us on the 2^nd day, he apparently missed me too much to wait for me to get back to town. By this time we were very good friends, we shared a room, I didn’t charge him or anything and got to be held every night. I didn’t have to sleep with a teddy bear or anything, he held me and gave me more kisses than I thought necessary, but most importantly, he just wanted to sleep next to me and hold me. This man could be a keeper, wonder if I can convince him to change his gender???I could use a woman who loves to cuddle as much as he does. That trip must have been my best so far. I was never cold, never sober and always baked (note to self: the next time you make that trip, make sure to carry a G bag, no more bad bush) and I had awesome company, though I think Nick and Ray will drive each other crazy because of this whole sexuality and Catty business. The highlight of this month must have been that I was drunk every day of every week and I had no reason under the sun to cry. Not to mention I was too baked most of the time = NUMB!!! February you served me very well. I hope to have another one just as good every couple of years.

March: Well, this was one of those months that I wish I could go back and relive. It was awesome being me. I voted during the general elections, met a sweet 19yr old who I think is a tad bit crazy (but not in a bad way) and very free spirited. She was such a breath of fresh air. And the main focus of my ‘maybe change was all I needed’ post. We met through Ray who gave me strict orders not to fuck her but anyone who knows me knows the more am told not to do something, the more likely I am to do it. I had fun with her, she is cute and sweet (did I mention sweet in every way??? Don’t get me started on her scent and taste…) Had my second ffm threesome with her and Ray and it rocked (am all smiles with the memory so fresh and clear in my mind like it was just yesterday). I got a call from an old fuck that I did not expect but I did what I never thought I would, I said NO… that was a first step in the right direction I think because since then, the weight I had been carrying around was heavily reduced. I am very proud of myself. This is what I would call progress if I didn’t know better. I got sick for a while but that didn’t hinder my drinking myself silly even with the infinite number of tablets I was taking. Nick, Ray, Lil G and I got thrown out of Nick’s house one night and we had to find somewhere to spend the night so we walked to a friends house some minutes to midnight, running away from dogs and paranoid as hell thanks to some crazily good shash we had a constant supply of. That month was crazy and fun. I almost forgot to mention the crush I have had on some fine ass girl for years and I finally got to touch her boobs and I asked her to have sex with me…and she said YES. Only problem is, I have performance anxiety checking in already, which is making it very hard to set a date to deliver…This is clearly going to be a good year, with a lot of running around but a lot of good too. Maybe this year I will finally probably join a convent (someone told me that I would have to consider it a life’s supply of pussy without having to hunt or gather). Only problem is I would only want to be a Carmelite nun and the vow of silence is one of those things I can’t do…  Let’s hope the rest of this year is as good and as productive. We don’t want any more disappointments than they are, now do we???

(It’s now June 2013, just realized that I still haven’t posted this, so what the hell, I might as well add on the last 2 months…ENJOY!!!!)

April: Well, this must have been the month I remember the least of. I spent so much of it with the same old faces around me, trying to convince myself I was fine but drinking myself silly with every waking moment. I had so many doubts that month courtesy of all the lies I had been feeding everyone around me. I was pretending to be ok but planning my death with every day that went by. Am glad Ray and Nick kept me very occupied or I would have done something really stupid. Yes, Ray was still all over the place this month, he dropped the bombshell…HE LOVES ME!!! I had that classic WHAT?!?!?!? Moment when he said it, but I should have known that was just the start, when I wouldn’t say it back, he told me it was ok, he wanted to be the one to love me and I didn’t have to love him back. Infact, he preferred it that I didn’t fall in love with him but we all know me, am incapable of taking that as a challenge and trying my level best to love him back. That did not go too well, but that’s a story for next month…I met with Ms. Possible to discuss AFRA-Kenya, our current baby project and I have to say am upset we are not making fast enough progress, but am sure it will pick up after we are done with CFCS. Yes, we were selected to present at this years CFCS. Wish us success in our presentation. What have I left out of April??? I bumped into Gorgeous in my neighborhood, had apparently forgotten she moved in, that was quite the shock, I had just gotten my first drink of the day down, must have been at like 9am and I felt odd meeting them so high so early in the morning. You could say this was the beginning of the end! Alas! This month I didn’t have any constructive sex to sing about…I went back to Mount Kenya, this time Mr. Congo took me and I had a blast. His sons are awesome company and he is too good to me. We stayed at some newly constructed cottages, went to Trout Tree (If you love trout fish, you have got to try this restaurant in Nanyuki. It’s not just wonderful food, but the ambience, service and environment is truly breathtaking) for lunch, then to the Fairmont Mount Kenya Safari Lodge for drinks and a golf cart drive around the premises, they have a wonderful maze that’s clearly visible from the poolside. Now that was beauty at its best. April was not such a bad month after all hmmm…

May: What can I say about this month and how can I say it in a way that will make you understand how important this month was to me? I had time to think at the fore of this month and I chose to stop drinking for 21days. It was time to start a new habit. The marijuana also had to be reduced and I had to get my shit together. And I did. I stopped drinking on the 6^th of May 2012. The first week was really full of crap. My drinking boys wouldn’t accept I had stopped and kept dragging me to bars, trying to coax me into just one drink but I stood firm and got over the first week. The 2^nd week was more of a trial, I had the CFCS presentation on my mind and it was driving me insane with panic that would wake me up in a sweat and the fear of death in me. Still didn’t drink though, and the work load I had been ignoring started to go down easy, my desk emptied faster and my relationship with Ray came to a tragic end. I was done way before then, with the 22yr old drinking everyday (they say you only see how bad you looked when you look at the people you were on it with still going strong and I agree), partying like a rockstar, wanting to fuck like a porn star (this was more of no drunken sex anymore, I couldn’t enjoy it sober) and acting like a spoilt brat every time I exercised my freedom of movement, speech and association (don’t kiss anyone but me…don’t hug anyone…don’t flirt…don’t leave this bar or its over…am going to fuck **** if you go) not to mention the thorough shake down he gave me courtesy of a night of drinking. I gathered it was good while it lasted but it was time for some change. Then the 3^rd week rolled around…which happened to end a day before I left for CFCS. That last week was good, getting my act together, psyching myself up for the trip and seeing all those people I was too drunk to remember to miss. During this last week, I was undersexed and over anxious, freaking out because Ray was still not taking its over for an answer and my performance anxiety was checking in. Here comes the part am not sure how exactly to phrase. I have known Leslie for years, never once tried anything but finally did. May was a month to remember. It felt good to have someone make love to me and not just fuck me. Like I deserved to be in their arms and fit in them so perfectly. Long pillow talk conversations, same taste in music and an insane sense of humor. CFCS came and went, our presentation was alright (no blowing trumpets yet…) and the lodge was too amazing to put into words. Spent my nights on phone with Leslie, missing Nairobi like I haven’t in a while, crying myself to sleep on most nights (the view, the happiness and the relief of allowing myself to live were overwhelmingly beautiful), my days learning and catching up and marveling at the ability of this movement to take my breath away just when am giving up and so scared that everything will fall apart again. That was a week well spent. Its 10^th June, been back for a while, spending every waking minute with Leslie, falling asleep satiated and wrapped in each others arms. Leslie brings out the best in me and for now, I am content. I would share more on Leslie but I don’t want to get ahead of myself just yet. Am enjoying what is there for me today…Lets see how the rest of this month goes down.